Thursday, December 14, 2006

Torn from Today's Birdcage Liners

Turmoil in New Orleans.

This ineffectual correspondent has discovered that C.S. Harris and Candice Proctor are conjoined twins who were never separated at birth. Furthermore, the two are married to the same man, a former KGB assassin and tormented chef. Sources close to the…uhm…triple, suggest that the former assassin prefers one of the twins over the other and that this is causing serious domestic strife in the household. A picture of the twins is to the right side of the screen here. Notice how cleverly the twins are turned to the side so that only one is visible. A back pack hides the protruding portions of the second twin.

Feel Good Story Goes Bad

My revelation of the secret marriage of Clifford and Cougar has already generated controversy. I have been contacted by PETA, which has asked me to cease and desist publicizing this marriage. Apparently, Cougar wore only a bit of jewelry and a full-length fur coat for the ceremony, which can be seen in the accompanying photograph. Although I am resistant to pressures to back away from the truths I report here, I have been personally attacked by noted PETA member Pamela Anderson Lee-Rock. I plan to have dinner with the former Baywatch model later this week at my place to discuss our...options. Trust me, your cromulent correspondent will reveal all to you, my faithful readers.


cs harris said...

Assassins always make the best chefs. Something about the inherent ruthlessness, I suppose. But isn't there a law against outing conjoined twins? There should be.

nolasteve said...

Untrue! I have no favorite. This slander is damaging a wonderful if non-traditional relationship. I'll sue!

Basil Ratbane said...

These are lies, all lies. I am the only Siamese twins. I am Siamese if you don't please.

Next time you're in Bangkok, off with your head.

Charles Gramlich said...

Clearly I've hit a nerve of truth here. I shall endeveour to persevere.

Sidney said...

Your diligence is to be applauded. You are doing today's Fourth Estate proud.

Clifford said...

Your story was close, very close. Cougar and I are both male so we were forced to settle for a civil union. (grrr!). But the good news is we're pregnant! Well, sort of. It was hard, but we found a 6'2" Black woman to have sex with Cougar (we're old fashioned like that), and as of last week, she's with child. Or, childs. Hard to say at this point. We're both very excited. The doc says the fetus is already the size of a hairball!