The Evolution of Gossip

I won’t claim to have always been innocent of gossiping. I’ve done it, though I generally despise myself after. In most cases, I’ve gossiped when I was frustrated with the actions of one particular person, and I don’t believe I’ve ever told a ‘lie’ while gossiping. But gossip doesn’t have to be a lie to be effective in changing people’s behavior.

This last week, though, I discovered an interesting thing about gossip. I picked it up from my Evolutionary Psychology book by David Buss. Gossiping may well have been selected for by evolution because it can carry certain benefits for the gossipers. Here’s the story.

People gossip primarily about the “relationships” of others (who is sleeping with who), and about behaviors or events that are potentially dangerous (who assaulted who, who stole from who). People also gossip more about people who are higher status rather than lower status, which explains why people gossip about presidents and celebrities more than about their servants.

But how could this serve an evolutionary purpose? Well, first consider a primitive hunting/ gathering society, which humans lived in far longer than we’ve lived in our modern technological world. In such a setting, you might be a member of a tribe of 50 to 150 individuals. Since you have a limited number of potential mating opportunities, it can be very important to know who is hooked up with who and who is potentially available. A breakup might be just the news you were waiting for, because it creates an opportunity that you didn’t have before. In that primitive society, over a period of 100,000 years or more, those who paid attention to such ‘information’ and were able to act on it to increase their mating opportunities, might have left a few more offspring than those who didn’t pay attention to this kind of thing. Any ‘slight’ increase in reproduction levels leads to an evolutionary advantage.

Similarly, the hunting/gathering folks who listened to the gossip about who is hurting someone else, such as abusing a mate, or neglecting offspring, might then have avoided linking themselves with that person, thus improving their own reproductive successes. Again, a small change might have led to an evolutionary advantage over a very long time.

Consider Crod, a hunter in my tribe 100,000 years ago. Crod goes hunting every day but seldom brings back meat. Then my friend BabYaga whispers to me that Crod never really goes far when he hunts, but just finds a quiet, shady spot and goes to sleep. She saw him when she was gathering berries. I tell my other friend, Bam-Bam, that Crod appears to be lazy. Bam-Bam tells me that Crod has been making eyes at his sister, Pom-Pom. We decide we better make sure Pom-Pom doesn’t mate with Crod or her children won’t have enough to eat. We whisper in Pom-Pom’s ear and she listens. She becomes the mate of Hukk instead, who brings home much meat every day. Pom-Pom has 11 children, 9 of whom grow up to have children of their own. Crod has one kid, with Takky, who, it is rumored, will even mate with a Neanderthal. Maybe that kid isn’t even Crod’s. And what chance does it have to grow up and have kids of its own?

Crod loses; Bam-Bam and Pom-Pom win. Gossip has served an evolutionary purpose.

I still don’t like gossip, but I sure understand it a lot better now than I did before.
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Torn from Today's Birdcage Liners

Turmoil in New Orleans.

This ineffectual correspondent has discovered that C.S. Harris and Candice Proctor are conjoined twins who were never separated at birth. Furthermore, the two are married to the same man, a former KGB assassin and tormented chef. Sources close to the…uhm…triple, suggest that the former assassin prefers one of the twins over the other and that this is causing serious domestic strife in the household. A picture of the twins is to the right side of the screen here. Notice how cleverly the twins are turned to the side so that only one is visible. A back pack hides the protruding portions of the second twin.

Feel Good Story Goes Bad

My revelation of the secret marriage of Clifford and Cougar has already generated controversy. I have been contacted by PETA, which has asked me to cease and desist publicizing this marriage. Apparently, Cougar wore only a bit of jewelry and a full-length fur coat for the ceremony, which can be seen in the accompanying photograph. Although I am resistant to pressures to back away from the truths I report here, I have been personally attacked by noted PETA member Pamela Anderson Lee-Rock. I plan to have dinner with the former Baywatch model later this week at my place to discuss our...options. Trust me, your cromulent correspondent will reveal all to you, my faithful readers.

A Writing Group Blogs

My writing group talked mostly about blogs last night. Three of six members have them, one more will be joining shortly, and a fifth member is considering it but is holding off for now. Mostly we talked about whether blogs are at all helpful in introducing our work to new readers and, perhaps, in helping sell our writing. So far, those of us who have books out have not noticed any avalanche of sales that could be related to our blogs. However, I have had a couple people tell me here that they would buy my novel, Cold in the Light, which probably doubled my sales for the month.

We also talked about ways to increase our blog traffic and wondered why some blogs attract a lot of attention while others garner mostly silence. I think most of us realize that posting on other folk's blogs helps attract readers to our own blogs, but you're not going to be able to post on enough blogs every day to make a living out of it. We also decided that "controversy" and "personalities" attract a lot of readers to blogs. Both of those might be a bit of a problem for me.

For example, I don't know anyone tremendously famous. Except for Stewart Sternberg, of course. That means I don't have much ready gossip to draw in the readers. And I'm not a terribly controversial guy. However, working with what I have, I introduce my new blog style below:

Razored Zen E. News:

1. A photo was taken of Stewart Sternberg without his underwear on while he was getting out of a car with Paris Hilton. Apparently, something horrible happened to the photographer immediately afterward, however, and the photos have yet to appear. Your intrepid correspondent for RZ E NEWS will remain on this story and will attempt to cover...it up before the world as we know it ceases to exist.

2. Wayne Allen Sallee, noted horrorist, appeared recently with Supermodel Tyra Banks and some bimbo in a black dress. Wayne was clearly bloody about the face and your intrepid correspondent believes that he was badly beaten when a "multi-way" with the two models, William Shatner, and a bunch of kinky tribbles went wrong. If you doubt this story, check out the photograph.

3. Tune in tomorrow when I blow the lid off Sidney Williams' double life.