A few lawyer jokes for your morning.
A lawyer dies and is standing before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates for judgment. The lawyer says: “I object.”
“Object to what?” St. Peter asks.
“I wasn’t given enough life. I’m only 50 years old.”
St. Peter consults his records and frowns. “It says here that you’re 87, not 50.”
The lawyer sputters. “Why that’s ridiculous. You must keep shoddy records. How did you figure I was 87?”
St. Peter replies: “We added up your billable hours.”
A Catholic couple die in an accident just before their wedding. They go to heaven, but because they'd really been looking forward to their wedding, they ask St. Peter if they can still get married. He tells them that he’ll have to get back to them.
Two years later, St. Peter comes and asks if they still want to get married. They say yes and so he takes them to a priest who performs the ceremony.
All is well for quite a few years but finally the couple decide that they want a divorce. They go and ask St. Peter if they can get a divorce in heaven.
St. Peter sputters: “It took two years to get a priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it’ll take to get a lawyer?”
A condemned man is asked on his last day if he’d rather have a visit from his lawyer or a hooker. Without hesitation, he says: “Lawyer.”
The guard says, “Now you know the lawyer is not going to be able to get your execution delayed.”
The prisoner nods. “Yes. But all I want is a last round of kinky sex.”
“Well then why not pick the hooker?” the guard asks, flabbergasted.
The prisoner answers: “Because there’s ‘nothing’ a lawyer won’t do to get his client off.”