Friday, July 08, 2011

Conan Versus Star Trek

In the line of the books about how bad ass Chuck Norris is, I was thinking about putting together a book about Conan the Barbarian versus Star Trek. I'd probably have copyright issues in either case so I don't think it will ever happen, but here is a sample of what I've come up with for fun so far. I've got lots more. What do you think? And please do forgive the occasional vulgarity. These kinds of things aren't long on manners.

In one of their trips back through time, the crew of the Starship Enterprise (NCC-1701) encountered Conan the Cimmerian. The following events happened.

1. Twenty-seven red shirts died. Fourteen others suffered severe internal injuries from wedgies.

2. Yeoman Rand got pregnant. Twice.

3. Spock attempted a nerve pinch on Conan only to experience in return the more effective and far more painful nerve PUNCH.

4. Scotty finally met someone who could drink him under the table. Until Scotty passed out, the two of them got on well. They even moved past “It’s green” to “It’s liquid.”

5. After bumping into the drunk Conan, Bones retorted, “Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor not a punching bag.” He was wrong.

6. Kirk couldn’t act his way out of getting his ass kicked.

7. Uhuru learned a lot about alien tongues.

8. Sulu discovered that swords aren’t toys. It took him a long time to get his rapier out of his ass.

9. Conan was accidentally duplicated in a transporter accident. Both his sides were bad ass.

10. Conan tried Romulan ale and thought it was for pussies
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31 comments:

Tom Doolan said...

I would so read this.

Richard Prosch said...

Fun post. Here's one: Captain Kirk learns that in the Conan's world "neck chop" and "shoulder roll" mean something a lot more painful...and bloody.

Deka Black said...

Here is another: In his trip to the hiborian age, the crew leans Red Shirts wear red to avoid blood cleaning duties.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

That is hilarious!

Charles Gramlich said...

Tom, me too. I'd like to see a book like this.

Richard, lol. Yes, that's a good addition.

Deka, Good un, for sure.

Alex, glad you enjoyed, man.

Ty Johnston said...

One of two things would have happened ...

1.) There would never have been a Star Treek II because Conan would have cut down Khan Noonien Singh back during the first five minutes of "Space Seed," or ...

2.) Conan and Khan would have partnered up (temporarily, of course), taken over the Enterprise, and gone on a galactic pirating rampage.

I don't even want to think about the carnage that would follow if Conan met the Klingons or the Squire of Gothos. And those poor, poor tribbles.

Charles Gramlich said...

Ty, I have written some Conan and Klingons and Conan and tribbles pieces. They will appear eventually.

Cloudia said...

LOL!




Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral

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Oscar said...

I'm not a fan or follower of Star Trek or Conan, but these were funny anyway.

G said...

Curious on how the later versions would fare against Conan.

In any event, this was pretty riotous.

BernardL said...

LMAO! Start plotting. :)

David J. West said...

Good one Charles.

Charles Gramlich said...

Cloudia, thankee.

Oscar, thanks. I’m a fan of both.

G, I’ve written some with the Next Generation. But not any of the ones later than that.

David J. West, thanks, man. I appreciate that.

ivan said...

I especially enjoyed this.

Maybe it's because real Cimmerians were probably antique Ukrainians...And does old Gogol ever paint them as garlicky cossacks and rustabouts...:)

pattinase (abbott) said...

Clever although I am not familiar enough with Conan mythology to really get the references. Star Trek, yes.

Ron Scheer said...

Didn't know you had such a silly side.

Charles Gramlich said...

Ivan, you are absolutely right. Maybe you should get your inner Conan on in promoting your work! Maybe I should too.

Patti,mostly Conan was just a bad ass.

Ron,I keep it well hidden, although Lana has brought it out in me more these days. She's good at that. :)

X. Dell said...

Very funny. Anyone acquainted with Conan on even a superficial level would appreciate the humor if they knew Star Trek reasonably well.

What strikes me foremost is the apples-to-oranges comparison of iconic fictional characters. Obviously, on their own turf (i.e., with their own writers), either one would consider the other a trifling annoyance. But common sense would imply that characters based more on humans (somewhat intellectual humans at that) would cower against a character drawn as superhuman, or fantastic.

Charles Gramlich said...

X-Dell, I was thinking of it more along the lines of civilized folks versus barbaric folks. Barbarians may have an advantage when it comes to sheer animal instinct behavior, whereas give a chance for some rational strategy and planning and the civilized character gains ground.

David Cranmer said...

"Yeoman Rand got pregnant. Twice."

Best part is she's only in like thirteen episodes.

FFO said...

hello charles, i'm trying out my initials. i'm fazlisa, nice to meet you.

Charles Gramlich said...

David Cranmer, Conan is a helluva man.

FFO, hello, of course.

eric1313 said...

LMAO!

If not a book, then occasional installments of serialization would be fun.

eric1313 said...

damnit, LMAO was already spelled out...

Oh well, I've taken to commenting without reading the others first, which is better for a million reasons, so this should be expected.

Boonie S said...

Fascinating – as Spock would say.

All the best, Boonie

Travis Cody said...

That's hilarious.

My first thought wasn't an original one though...it was a rip off of the scene in Indiana Jones. You know the one, but replacing Kirk for Indy.

A landing party composed of Kirk and three red shirts encounters a wandering band of bad asses led by Conan. After dispatching the red shirts, the lone bad ass that Conan ordered to deal with the odd intruders flourishes his sword at Kirk next. Kirk calmly pulls his phaser and fries the bad ass. Conan and Kirk decide to try diplomacy.

Sphinx Ink said...

Hilarious! I'd buy it.

Carole said...

Man oh Man, I love Star Trek. I watched Conan once. I've seen every episode of Star Trek way more than once. 'Sigh'

Charles Gramlich said...

eric1313, I do the same. I'm glad you enjoyed!

Boonie, thanks!

Travis Cody,Not bad. Strangely enough I just watched that Indiana Jones scene yesterday. Good one.

Sphinx Ink, glad you liked.

Carole, Me too. I'm a huge trekker. The Conan movie isn't really Conan though, not Robert E. Howard's Conan, who is far more of a bad ass and a lot smarter.

Snowbrush said...

I've read a good bit by Robert E. Howard, but only made it through one Conan story. It's his weird Westerns that I like best.

Lana Gramlich said...

Ha! These are brilliant. ;)