Hell West

My dream last night began with a college age man sitting in a class for would-be teachers. The students are practice teaching and one young woman first has cake served to the class. Our young man, I’ll call him “hero,” gets a piece of white wedding cake. Class then ends and hero leaves with two female friends, a blonde and a brunette. He is dating the blonde but runs into a female teacher who whispers to him that he should really date the brunette, who is smarter and nicer.

Hero has to go to the bathroom and this is where the weird stuff starts. While in the bathroom, he gets a feeling that something isn’t right. About that time, a dwarf comes in and locks himself in a stall. Then a bag lady he saw outside also wanders in. She starts to flirt and tries to grope him, and he quickly leaves without managing to consummate his bathroom experience.

He goes around the back of the building to urinate but runs into two security guards. He and his two lady friends are then standing next to a railroad car on display behind the building when the sunny sky darkens and a kind of ‘shield’ snaps into place between the three and the outside world. A monstrous shadow starts to rise out of the railroad car, and the two security guards open fire on it. A massive arm with a single huge claw on the end smashes out of the car and crushes the guards. The blonde is also killed and our hero knocked unconscious.

Here it gets really weird, and funny. Our hero wakes up in Hell “West.” Satan has had to abandon the real hell but has set up a little touch of home right on the college campus. He's brought his family with him, 1) a mentally challenged 20 something son who wears a batman mask and cape, 2) a son of about 8 who never says a word, and 3) two twin teenage daughters, one with long and the other with bobbed hair. Hero is being kept because his blood is especially nutritious to the hell-borne. He is told that his brunette friend is alive but being held prisoner to keep him in line.

The long-haired daughter seems the most normal of the family and hero talks a bit to her. She protects him from her short-haired sister who wants to hammer nails into him, and this makes him feel like his best chance of escape is to befriend her. That seems to be working. When the bat masked son wants a snack, the long-haired twin is the one to “bleed” hero into a chalice, but he realizes she's doing it because her sister would hurt him much worse.

Then, Satan offers hero a bet. If he can beat the devil and his family in baseball, they’ll let him go. The young man agrees. The “baseball” is really a hacky-sack, and the bat is a fat red plastic kid’s bat (like my son had). Satan is up first and hero is pitching. Satan gets a hit and his youngest son runs for him. The kid gets on base, but then tries to steal another base and hero tags him out.

The devil fouls the next pitch into the bushes. While hero fetches the ball, the devil brings another player in on his side, a woman who is completely burned black and who stands between our hero and the batter’s box. (Satan refers to the damned as the “Burned ones.”) As our hero pitches, she tries to knock the ball away, and if she succeeds it is called a foul.

Unfortunately, I woke up before the game could finish so I don’t know if our hero escaped. I’m thinking his chances aren’t too good. What do you think?
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A Denial of Truth; A Cure for Everything

Williams Denies Charges. According to this interpretive reporter, Sidney Williams, revealed the other day on this very blog to be Satan’s actual love child, has called the accusation, “rash” and “premature.” He claims that Azarius is only a novel and not the blueprint for damnation that, in fact, it is. Let me ask you, Mr. Williams. If the charges are false, then why are you never seen in public without your pants? Is it not that you are afraid to reveal the Satanic tail that is the genetic legacy from your father?

Save your Life

Save your life and buy Cold in the Light by Charles Gramlich. A local scientist, whose name is being withheld at his request but who has a Ph.D. in Experimental Psychology, has revealed that the mere purchase of the book Cold in the Light by esteemed author Charles Gramlich can add years to your life and protect you from all sorts of diseases, including cancer of the big toe and hair follicles. In one particular experiment, mice who were exposed to repeated visual flashes of the phrase "Cold in the Light" were found to lose weight and be 72 percent more attractive to mice of the opposite sex. This news is likely to spark a rush on Amazon and other fine establishments where Cold in the Light is sold. So, get your copy today and start feeling better immediately!

RZ E NEWS

An examination of an ancient manuscript dating all the way back to 1989 has revealed that Sidney Williams, mildly mannered writer by day, is, in fact, the illegitmate son of Satan, conceived during a single night of passion with Yeoman Rand. (Those of you who do not recognize the name of Yeoman Rand are probably either too young for this blog, or insufficiently nerdy). The manuscipt in question is a tome simply called Azarius, which is clearly the name of some sort of demon, and is believed, by this insipid correspondent, to be Williams' name in Hell. A perusal of this "book of evil" easily reveals Williams' parentage. The numbers on the back of the book show three and only three "fives," one less at all points than the 666 of the devil. Furthermore, the book begins with the single line "I'm going to kill a priest," warning enough perhaps of the evil within. And finally, I was rather easily able to find words, rearrange words, or alter words in the actual text to produce such phrases as "father lies," "Satan dad," "mother Rand," and "evil sex."

This is a public service announcement.

This just in: It’s official. Noted Tablet Writer, Clifford, has married his cat. Clifford says that “Cougar…” “is a new breed of cat.” Heh heh heh, if you know what I mean. Pictures of the secret ceremony were taken by Basil Ratbane, who despite his apparent antipathy to this blog, viz a viz his posts, is--in fact--one of my field paparazzi. One of Ratbane's pictures of the Clifford marriage can be found here. This blog will soon carry exclusive photos of the Siberian Honeymoon.