Sunday, January 10, 2010

A Sure Sign of the Apocalypse

I do believe I’ve seen it all now. We’ve got free Showtime so I was flipping through the movie channels last night to see what was on. I watched the remake of Day of the Dead, and Wes Craven Presents: Dracula II: Ascension, which were mildly entertaining.

Then I discovered an offering called One-Eyed Monster. And I realized that western civilization is done, finished, kaput. Although I missed the first two-thirds of this cinema masterpiece, the premise is this: a group of porn stars, including Ron Jeremy, are up in the mountains filming a porno. An alien comes to earth and possesses Ron Jeremy’s penis. It tears its way off Ron’s body and proceeds to hunt down and “F” to death the other members of the cast and crew. Two individuals do survive, including the actress Amber Benson (although one has to wonder whether her acting career will do the same). The survivors are saved by an aging porn star who sacrifices herself to the alien penis.

Less you think this movie was just an excuse to show porn, there was actually no porn at all. At least in the last third. Well, we did get to see a large plastic object that was supposed to be Ron Jeremy’s penis. Other than that, everyone was fully clothed and even the porn star’s sacrifice at the end involved no more than some suggestive moaning.

Will the world still be here when I wake up in the morning? I suppose we’ll see.

In the meantime, I’ll also leave you with the following image, from a different movie. I have no idea if it's real or not, but it probably should be. Given the existence of One-Eyed Monster, nothing is too out there to be real.

43 comments:

David J. West said...

One Eyed Monster turned up on IMDB.com but no sign of Nunslinger so I doubt it exists-Oh yeah-no Carmilla Sterling either. Furthering my doubt to its actual existence-not to say its not possibly a better film than O.E.M.

David Cranmer said...

I wonder how much money a flick like this makes? Probably quite a bit in DVD sales.

the walking man said...

Just because I had to see for myself

Nunslinger on the other hand must have been so low budget there is no website for it.

Yes it is a different world out there but the night watcher got it covered,


DAVID I looked for 10 minutes for revenues on OEM couldn't come up with a thing.

Randy Johnson said...

Sounds just goofy enough to become one of those cult classics. Don't think I'd be much interested though.

sage said...

And here I thought I was going to read about the Saints winning the Superbowl; instead, based on your review, I'll have to go and delete a film from my Netflix queue. (yeah, right)

Ocean Girl said...

Don't know anything about the movies or the actors you mentioned but reminded me one time in Germany, the family sat in the living room of the rented vacation house, watching tv and we flipped the "wrong" channel and everything was suddenly there.

Bernita said...

"Nunslinger"?

If it isn't a novel/movie, it should be.

G said...

Ummm... yah.

Cinnamon said...

ha, ha, anything goes!

Sidney said...

Wow, I don't guess that will be on Netflix watch instantly. I'll have to wait for it to show up on local TV.

ArtSparker said...

I thought it was funny till I got to the Amber Benson passage, AAAAgh! She was lovely in Buffy, but I have seen her in some other costume drama that was quite a stinker. I guess we can't all be Seth Green.

Charles Gramlich said...

David J. West, I’m rather surprised someone hasn’t made Nunslinger. It cries out for the big budget treatment.

David Cranmer, and with overseas distribution it could make a bunch.

Mark, Nunslinger may not be a real film. It might have been one of those fake ads, like you see for Doc Savage sometimes.

Randy Johnson, there should at least be a comic called Nunslinger.

sage, well, I did get quite a few laughs from OEM.

Ocean Girl, Amber Benson was on the show Buffy the Vampire slayer and I thought she had a good career before her. Guess, we’ll see.

Bernita, or a graphic novel maybe!

G, amazing what you can get up to late on a Saturday night watching TV

Cinnamon, so it would seem!

Sidney, I’m not sure whether they’ll ever run it on regular TV. Maybe on the movie channels.

ArtSparker, yeah, I liked her. Sorry to see her in this.

Natasha Fondren said...

!!!!!!

!!!!!!

!!!!!!

!!!!!!

BernardL said...

LOL! Good review.

Issa's Untidy Hut said...

And because life is good and in this post-modern age everything is self-referential, when you look up "Nunslinger" now you get ...

Razored Zen!

Charles, I'm afraid you are going to have to write this one!

Steve Malley said...

I'm with you and Bernita-- if Nunslinger doesn't exist, it should!

(Oh dear god, I just got an idea...)

Donnetta Lee said...

Oh my goodness,Charles. What a movie! I did see a movie once about the Cream of Wheat Man. Now that was interesting. D

Erik Donald France said...

Too bizarre. Another sign of the Apocalypse is the Cowboys facing off against the Vikings. Must. Be. Stopped.

Believe it or not, this movie sounds sort of like another low budget "science fiction," the cult flick Liquid Sky. Now as for Nunlsinger . . . Good God!

Charles Gramlich said...

Natasha Fondren, Pretty much says it all.

BernardL, what a strange, strange movie.

Don, oh man don't tempt me. I've already got ideas.

Steve Malley, a wonderfully awful idea? cool.

Donnetta Lee, the cream of wheat man. I'm afraid I missed that piece of genius. Perhaps it's for the best.

Erik Donald France, I'm still thinking Saints in the Super bowl. Yeah, Nunslinger. Wow.

Lana Gramlich said...

Since we woke up this morning, perhaps it was a sign of the START of the Apocalypse. <:\

Scott said...

Charles,

I saw ads for this flick a while back, but I haven't seen it. Sounds like I wont, either. Thanks for the warning!

ivan said...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. My first impulse was to scoff.
"Magic Penis up my..."
Whoaa!

Angie said...

ROFLMAO! Okay, I've got to watch One Eyed Monster some time, just for the lulz. :D

You really have to wonder how stuff like that gets made. I mean, I could see if it were actually a porn movie -- that industry runs on cheese, after all -- but a kinda-sorta mainstream flick...? [blinkblink]

Angie

Charles Gramlich said...

Lana Gramlich, yes, the end is near. At least I'm with you.

Scott, egads. They advertised for it? Geeze.

ivan, well, the aliens have been getting a steady diet of our porn for a long time now.

Angie, I know. Maybe there was a porn version made. I don't know.

writtenwyrdd said...

LOL! Sounds like a Troma film! I particularly loved three B movies: "Jesus Christ, Vampire Slayer," "Sergeant Kabukiman" (a Troma film), and "Cannibal,the Musical," which was hysterical and done by the guys who later came up with South Park.

Barrie said...

That is very scary. Because obviously several people thought the OEM would actually do well. :(

Charles Gramlich said...

Writtenwyrd, I almost forgot about the Troma films. I do remember a couple of these about the guy who fell into radioactive waste wearing a tutu.

Barrie, maybe you can go wrong underestimating the tastes of the public.

jodi said...

Charles, I have a (true) Ron Jeremy story! I will blog about it sometime....

Jo said...

One can only imagine what the first two-thirds of this masterpiece must have been like. Maybe the alien had been watching it from afar, and was making an editorial comment.

G said...

I don't doubt it for a minute, especially since I used to watch stuff like that in my younger days.

Rick said...

Okay, I go away for a week or so to write and I come back to see you've written about aliens and porn stars. Maybe I'd better visit more often!

Cloudia said...

You said it, Charles

Charles Gramlich said...

jodi, now that I want to hear.

Jo, a reference was made to the fact that the alien had been paying attention to all the porn that humans have broadcast into space over the years so probably so.

G, I've watched a few real winners in my day. Dark Star comes to mind. Night of the Lepus, about giant rabbits. There are a few of them.

Rick, aliens and porn stars. Kind of a natural fit, wouldn't you think?

Cloudia, indeed.

Michelle's Spell said...

Hey Charles,

I did not think I would ever see the word Nun and Ron Jeremy in the same post -- the world may be coming to an end! God, that plot of the Ron Jeremy movie must have been cooked up while the writers were enjoying a sweet little dinner of champagne and smoking Thai stick. Seriously. I laughed out loud when I read it!

Greg Schwartz said...

Wow.

Charles Gramlich said...

Michelle, yes, I may have just cursed myself putting nun and Ron in the same post. I didn't even think about that. I think I need to do some penance. at least three hail Mary's and three Our Fathers.

Greg, indeed!

Chris Gruber said...

I had a very similar conversation with my coworkers recently after having had the same experience as you have been through. I assume you have DirecTV as I do. Up late at night, not feeling well, and taking advantage of commercial free content I stumbled upon "One Eyed Monster". I, too, only saw a portion of the film. If you want to chuckle go to the movie's website. We are still here, of course, but I think it is fair to ask ourselves for how long.

cs harris said...

I will NEVER understand how some movies get made. You'd think the person suggesting them would be laughed off the lot. What idiot sat there and said, "Wow, that sounds like a great idea!"

Charles Gramlich said...

Chris Gruber, Idle hands (with a clicker) are the Devil's playground. :)

Candy, I suspect there may have been drugs involved.

laughingwolf said...

can someone write: NUTSLINGER?

just a thought... :O lol

Charles Gramlich said...

Laughingwolf, given the existence of one-eyed monster I wouldn't be surprised to find nutslinger already in the coffers. If not, you should copyright it immediately.

laughingwolf said...

will look into it, charles :O lol

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