Tuesday, February 17, 2009

For Want of a Better Post

Many of you know that I’m a big fan of Robert E. Howard, who is best known for creating the character of Conan the Cimmerian. Seeing as how work is still kicking my butt much like Conan kicks butt, I thought I’d post a few Conan haiku today. (Using the term haiku very, very loosely.) Eventually, I’ll return to a semblance of normalcy.

Conan walks into a bar. Bar collapses on impact.

Conan is approached by Senator Craig in public restroom. Problem solved.

Conan goes to Hell. They give him Hell.

Conan named Vice President. Stimulus bill passes.

Conan goes to Wall Street. Street name changed to Wasteland.

Conan is thrown from horse. Horse apologizes, then commits hari-kari.

Conan gets drunk. Ale makers have a very good year.

Conan believes the guts of his enemies will sharpen his sword. Conan is right.

Conan is bitten by a poisonous snake. After hours of intense agony, snake dies.

Conan falls onto a bed of nails. Nails now useless.

Conan is downsized. Bad move.

Conan meets Captain Kirk. Kirk must have phaser surgically removed from ass.

Conan meets Captain Picard. Finds that Picard’s bald head adds great shine to boots.

Conan meets Spock. Spock neither prospers, nor lives long.

Conan meets Oprah. No steak available. Conan eats Oprah.

Conan meets Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil tells Conan he has anger issues. Dr. Phil cancelled.

Drunk again, Conan stumbles onto field at Super Bowl. Conan wins.



Lana Gramlich said...

*LOL* No sense of humor, eh? ;)

pattinase (abbott) said...

This is what you write when you have no time to write. WOW.

pottygok said...

LOL!!! This made me think of the drinking game for the movie, especially "Conan gets drunk. Ale makers have a very good year." when he punches the camel.

Here's a three liner to add to the collection:

Conan enters
"The Perfumed Garden".
Quivering stalks remain.

Charles Gramlich said...

Lana, there was something funny here? I meant all of these seriously.

Pattinase, uhm, I must confess, some of thes were written at an earlier period in time.

Pottygok, thanks for dropping by. Yeah, I like the scene where he punches the camel. And when he collapsses face first into his gruel.

Good on with the Perfumed Garden

SQT said...

Those are so funny, I can't even pick a favorite.

I think I'm going with the poisonous snake. Though the Larry Craig one is classic.

laughingwolf said...

lol... some gems there, charles ;)

a cimmerian of some size
was trying to win him a prize
he huffed and he puffed
and finally stuffed
his face full of ale - and some fries

David Cranmer said...

Ha! Poor Captain Kirk.

Mary Witzl said...

These are great: tall tales done as haiku!

Love the italics in the 'hell' haiku -- they just make it. And I'm not much of a Captain Kirk fan myself.

Steve Malley said...

I heard Conan once ate *six pounds* of prime rib in under an hour.

He spent the first fifty-five minutes having sex with the waitress....

Steve Malley said...

It is also my understanding that Chuck Norris goes to bed wearing Conan pajamas!

Heff said...

Captain Kirk should have set his phaser to "Cornhole" !

Shauna Roberts said...

Loved your haiku!

ivan said...

er, Problem not solved. Sen Craig claims he has a wide stance.

Take it to the Privy Council!

G. B. Miller said...

Imagine what you could do if you had actually thought about this.

Unless, you actually thought about this....

In any event, thanks for the evening chuckle.

I think that the horse apology/hari kair would match well with the horse punch out at Johnsonville.

Cloudia said...

Lana is right (as usual)
Conan FUNNY!

Scott said...


This provided me with some much-needed laughs. Thanks for sharing!

BIBI said...

LOL! Way too funny! Thanks for the laugh!

Charles Gramlich said...

SQT, I rather liked the Craig one myself.

laughingwolf, good riff yourself!

David Cranmer, I like Kirk, but let’s face it, he’s no Conan.

Mary Witzl, glad you enjoyed!

Steve Malley, I know that one is true. I watched him do it. And yes, Chuck admires Conan.

Heff, He might have enjoyed it more, for sure.

Shauna Roberts, glad you liked ‘em.

ivan, when Conan was finished with him he might not have a mouth left to make such a claim. But yes, the “privy” council would be the place to go.

Georgie B, some of it I thought about. Some of it I put down before I had a chance to think about it. If you know what I mean.

Cloudia, thankee.

Scott, I thought you might appreciate them.

Charles Gramlich said...

Bibi, glad you liked 'em.

laughingwolf said...

thx bud ;) lol

Greg said...


Conan goes shark-fishing. With his hands.

the walking man said...

Conan breaks small wind
hurricanes will follow
odoriferous path

BernardL said...

LOL! Very good stuff, Charles. Remember this part from ‘Beyond the Black River’:

“He was a man,” said Conan. “I drink to his shade, and to the shade of the dog, who knew no fear.” He quaffed part of the wine, then emptied the rest upon the floor, with a curious heathen gesture, and smashed the goblet. “The heads of ten Picts shall pay for his, and seven heads for the dog, who was a better warrior than many a man.”

Charles Gramlich said...

Laughingwolf, no prob.

Greg, and catches a megoladon

Mark, excellent!

Bernardl, I do indeed. A very good story, although my favorites are Red Nails and Queen of the Black Coast

Travis Cody said...


Whirlochre said...

Conan meets Schwarzenegger.

Invents pillow.

Drizel said...

hihhhiihihih, that's is rather and eventful life:)

Vesper said...

:-) :-) :-)

Some of these could be great six-word stories. :-)

SzélsőFa said...

Conan meets Chuck Norris. I don't know the outcome, but I'm all into those Chuck Norris-tpye puns.

Charles Gramlich said...

Travis, glad you enjoyed.

Whirlochre, good one,

etain_lavena, have to expect that from a barbarian, I suppose.

Vesper, I never thought of that. I see what you mean. Cool.

SzélsőFa, the Chuck Norris stuff is where I got the idea, of course. I enjoy those too.

Lisa said...

WOW Conan rocks! LOL. This was a good funny to read this morning.

Chris Benjamin said...

I'd like to invite Conan to Canada to meet our prime minister.

Charles Gramlich said...

Lisa, glad you enjoyed.

Benjibopper, a few more Conans in the political arena might be a good thing.

Spy Scribbler said...

Wow! You're good at these! I needed the laugh today, LOL.

My favorite is:
Conan is thrown from horse. Horse apologizes, then commits hari-kari.


AvDB said...

These are too good. I'm not going to attempt sully your efforts by playing along. Bad poetry always leads to one becoming Crom's sacrificial bobblehead.

Sidney said...

Wow, I'd never thought of a match-up between Conan and Capt. Kirk. Wonder how he'd fare against Jim West of Wild Wild West. I always felt Kirk and West were TV's scrappiest fighters.

Charles Gramlich said...

Spyscribbler, thankee for the kind words.

Avery, tis best that Crom ignore you. Indeed!

Sidney, hum, I didn't think of that. I always liked Wild Wild west a lot too.

cs harris said...

Thanks for the chuckle. Much needed.

j said...

Wish that I could introduce Conan to these pesky Dust Bunnies.

Hope you are having a great weekend.

Charles Gramlich said...

Candy, glad you enjoyed.

Jennifer, Conan's sword would probably wreak havoc on the dust bunnies.