Friday, February 27, 2009

The Curse of the Carrots

Travis Erwin is right in what he says about vegetables. They are the devil's food. I decided to cut back on fattening snacks and replace them with carrots. Dutifully, I bought some baby carrots at the store recently and over the course of a couple of days I "treated" myself to a few when I felt the urge to snack. This was not a wise decision on my part.

My body knows how to handle fatty treats. It responds appropriately. But apparently my body had no idea at all on what to do with carrots. My internal structures from the stomach on down are in wild revolt. Believe me, my brain has gotten the message. I imagine the exchange went something like:

"Hey there, Waste Elimination System, the brain wishes to inform you that the white flag is up. Surrener is imminent. What are your demands?"

*Waste Elimination System makes some untranslatable remark here. But the brain apparently understands and translates it as: "Send in the cupcakes and no one gets hurt."*

"Cupcakes on the way. Please release the intestines from the cramp restraints."
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49 comments:

Mary Witzl said...

I want to agree with you, Charles, but the truth is I practically live on carrot sticks. Nobody believes that I actually eat them because I like them, but cross my heart, I do. I've met very few vegetables I'm not crazy about, though molohiya is nasty stuff. If you ever see it, run a mile.

Actually, I'm crazy about cupcakes too. Got any left?

Heff said...

I attempted "carrot torture" on myself once. It lasted LESS than one day. Hey, that sounded a little worse than I meant it to...

cs harris said...

Ouch. I really, really envy people who like carrots and celery sticks. Personally, I've never been able to eat enough of them to do myself any damage. I have, however, sent my body into revolt by too many cupcakes!

Aine said...

Oh no! I hope the seige lets up!

I like carrots, but only with dip (and not that fat-free stuff, either!)

Paul R. McNamee said...

Sounds like a new Butlik song, "Riding the Carrot Express".

So many ways to go with that one.

Scott Oden said...

Carrots (indeed, most vegetables) are da Debbil! Most everything the surgeon-general refers to as healthy I either can't or won't eat. Nay on the broccoli, the carrots, the corn, the leafy greens, peas, what have you. I'm all for potatos, certain kinds of beans, onion and garlic, a few peppers . . .

My healthy-snack compromise lately has been organic granola with golden raisins: low fat, low sodium, no cholesterol, and low sugar (naturally sweetened with a bit of organic honey). I actually found it at Wal-Mart, of all places (Wal-Mart is the Mecca of Poor Diet around here).

This is the part I hate about getting older . . .

ivan said...

Yeah, but I bet you can now see for miles. :)

Travis Erwin said...

You are what you eat and therefore you can simply call me meat.

Lana Gramlich said...

I'll finish the carrots off, baby. (Does this mean we have cupcakes at home???)

Heff said...

Paul, don't tempt me, lol !

Charles Gramlich said...

Mary Witzl, obviously you are a stronger being than I can ever be.

Heff, I was unlucky, the carrots didn’t attack until I was well into the second day. I seemed virtually normal after the first round of battle with the carrots. Only later did I realize how badly I was wounded.

cs harris, I like celery OK, with lots of dip on them.

Aine, yes, I’ll never eat an unfattened carrot again.

Paul R. McNamee, yes, and I hadn’t thought of any of them until you mentioned it. Thanks. ;)

Scott Oden, I believe I’m like a social drinker with most vegetables. I can have a bite here and there and quit without much ill effects. But I dare not binge.

ivan, practically. You know, my eyes do seem better today.

Travis Erwin, I’m going to model myself after you from now on so call me Meat 2.

Lana Gramlich, (Does this mean we have cupcakes at home???). Not anymore. ;)

Georgie B said...

Now, I like raw carrots and celery.

However, just because I like them doesn't mean I go out and buy them.

No siree Bob, I eat them only if I'm at a party and they're part of a vegetable platter with dip.

David Cranmer said...

My wife and I just ate at Chilis tonight. We ordered molten chocolate chip cake with ice cream to take home. Hopefully, my Waste Elimination System can work a deal.

Sidney said...

The cafeteria at Fort Worden offers high fiber meals, and though I eat a high fiber diet at home, about three days of meals heavy with kale and lentils and I was ready to confess to crimes I'd never committed and divulge imaginary secrets for a burger and fries.

writtenwyrdd said...

OMG Charles, this had me clutching my gut--in laughter. Wow, I'm sorry for your, erm, discomfort. But I like carrot sticks. Organic celery actually has a flavor, but chewing the stuff into submission is impossible. Best use is as a vehicle for the dip, peanut butter, or cream cheese.

Miles McClagan said...

There's an ad for the lemon detox diet that airs on the radio every day here.

I. Would. Rather. Die.

Donnetta Lee said...

Charles: I have been there myself! Trying so hard to eat healthy and it backfires on me. I ate some nice healthy tomato soup not long ago. Tummy had a field day with it. Next time, I'll go for the mashed potatoes and gravy. D

laughingwolf said...

like in all things charles, start with baby steps ;) lol

Danette Haworth said...

I once gave my dad a fruit bar and he said it was "refreshing." (That was the best he could do.) He always said a thin man lived inside him but he subdued him with Twinkies.

Parlancheq said...

I think it helps the digestion if you smother your raw veggies in dip.

Barbara Martin said...

It's a wonder Travis Erwin doesn't suffer from scurvy with an all meat diet.

Carrots are good for the eyes, Charles, and to help the body produce enough mucous to keep the brain cells functioning smoothly. If you eat them regularly your body will love you. If you had cramps, you ate too many too soon. Roughage in the diet is good for you. Eat up.

If you eat cupcakes, they have to be made with whole grain flour and in particular, homemade, to avoid preservatives.

Charles Gramlich said...

Georgie B, believe me, I’ve learned my lesson.

David Cranmer, your sympathy for my plight is simply overwhelming, my friend. ;)

Sidney, so we know how to break you if we ever need to eh? I hope the CIA isn’t listening in to this blog.

writtenwyrdd, yes, as I suspected, vegetables are only good for assisting one in acquiring the appropriate level of fat.

Miles McClagan, If hadn’t recognized my predicament and stopped the intake of carrots I might well have passed from this world.

Donnetta Lee, maybe it’s a conspiracy of vegetables.

laughingwolf, that’s why I tried baby carrots, my friend. Alas, even the little ones are dangerous.

Danette Haworth, Smart fellow, your dad.

Parlancheq, one does need a good coating of grease to let the stomach and intestines do their work. Thanks for visiting.

Barbara Martin, are you truly Barbara Martin? Or Satan in disguise? How much did the carrots pay you to say these things? ;)

the walking man said...

If you are "blocked" Charles, maybe you need to insert carrots in a different orifice.

Issa's Untidy Hut said...

Charles, I'm going to second Barbara Martin, I know I'm swimming against the, er, proverbial tide here but ...

The message your body is sending could be read two ways ... you read it the way you did naturally.

Discomfort is no joke ... ok, it is funny in context ...

When your switching over from one type of diet to the other, yes, your body is going to have a say (a loud gurgly, uncomfortable one), of course.

Here's another look.

Don't eat meat for, say, a year. Go out and have a nice, big juicy steak.

You want to talk convulsion, pain, funny (to others)faces! Makes those carrots feel smooth as (insert cliché here).

Your metabolism needs time to switch over. I'm with Barbara, a gradual switchover would be the way to go. A nutritionist could clue you on this, no doubt (better yet, a good nutrition book at the old library - a lot cheaper). Still have the chips and cupcakes etc. Then, once in a while, maybe 5 to 10 of those tiny carrots. Gradually work your way up.

You'll be good to, er, go.

Don

PS I'm not a vegetarian, so I'm not up on a soap box. But a switch over to a little more reasonable diet brought my cholesterol and high pressure way down.

BernardL said...

You'll never attain the moniker of Louisiana Slim if you give up on the carrots my friend. :)

Middle Ditch said...

Feeling better? Fun read though.

Charles Gramlich said...

Mark, I could expect such a comment from say...Heff. I had thought you were a bit more restrained. Live and learn, I guess. :)

Don, actually, I know you and Barbara are correct. I had the same problem when I started first eating cucumbers again. My body did adjust. It seems more resistant to carrots for some reason, however. I've heard about the steak thing. One of my students was telling me this just last week.

Bernardl, well, one earns a moniker at an early age. I was indeed slim when I was young. Maybe if I wear slimming clothes.

Middle ditch, we'll see how today goes I imagine. ;)

Scott said...

Charles,

Having to snack often due to my hypoglycemia, I know how hard it is to find healthy snacks that don't taste like dirt and don't mess up your plumbing.

Not a big fan of vegetables...I think I was some kind of big cat in a past life, a strict carnivore.

Ello said...

HA HA! Charles I totally hear you! But I find that the best way to combat carrots is donuts!!

Mimi Lenox said...

I agree. Cupcakes are much better than carrots, but I bought a bag of the munchy orange things last night. The trick is to dip them in something chocolate.....

Travis said...

You know how they always tell you that the best way to eat is in moderation? Well, the best way to change your eating habits to more healthy ones is to do so in moderation!

Next time, try a couple carrot sticks with a cupCAKE.

SzélsőFa said...

Unfortunately for you Charles, Barbara Martin is right about roughage and stuff like that.
Yet - even reading through your story was painful indeed. Give yourself a break and try with something less fibery stuff next time.

Anil P said...

It sure can be difficult getting accustomed to carrots. I tried once before as well.

I suppose it is about sticking with it until one acquires a taste for it.

Ello said...

Hi Charles, I tried several times to comment on this post but blogger was blocking me! HOpe this goes through!

You cracked me up with this one - especially because I hate carrots! The best way to combat carrots is donuts!!

Steve Malley said...

I was going to say something about carrots (I do eat rather a few), but I can't seem to get past mmmm, cupcakes....

Charles Gramlich said...

Scott, That might explain my aversion as well. I was certainly some kind of carnivore.

Ello, I’ve had days like that with Blogger. Bacon works better than doughnuts for me.

Mimi Lenox, Yes, I should have had enough sense to get dip.

Travis, moderation! Vhat ist theese moder ation?”

SzélsőFa, Fiber is debbil food I believe.

Anil P, or until one’s body is beaten into submission.

Steve Malley, I’ve heard enough about carrots anyway, dude.

pattinase (abbott) said...

I eat dozens of these every day and have yet to see my reward on the devil's machine next morning. Of course, I drink wine with them.

ARCHAVIST said...

vegatables are not natural, man. Give me sugar and all things nice any day.

Virginia Lady said...

Ah, Travis beat me to it, I was going to suggest just having one or maybe two small carrots before eating a cupcake.

Kind of payment for eating the healthy stuff, a reward if you will. :-)

I think you overdid it, you need to change your diet gradually.

One stick a day perhaps? ;-)

SQT said...

I generally prefer cupcakes over carrots too; though I can see the benefits of both. I see you've already gotten some good advice on gradual changes to your diet, so I won't belabour the point. Besides, I'm sure you won't have a hard time going easy on the fiber in the future.

Charles Gramlich said...

pattinase, you must have a constitution of iron, milady.

ARCHAVIST, I agree. I've discovered a lost book of the Bible where it says that vegetables were also kicked out of the Garden of Eden for their toxicity.

Virginia Lady, maybe if I ground up the carrots and spread them out over several cupcakes?

SQT, I'm definitely going to be monitoring my fiber intake from now on.

laughingwolf said...

so, dangerous things come in small packages? :O lol

beans, and other lentils, while inducing air biscuits, are SO good for you ;)

X. Dell said...

Well, the brain is the voice of reason.

Lol, Lana.

Virginia Lady said...

I like that idea Charles, makes me think of carrot cake. You could have carrot cake cupcakes maybe. That's healthy, right?

L.A. Mitchell said...

haha...this is too funny. Your body will get used to it...hang in there:)

Michelle's Spell said...

I'm with you on this one. I hate vegetables of almost any kind. I'm sticking to my diet of cookies and vodka for now. :)

Charles Gramlich said...

L.A., but how much suffering will it take before I get used to it?

Michelle, I hear that Vodka coats the stomach lining nicely and really makes everything work better.

Lisa said...

lmao! don't give up on the carrots just yet...

Charles Gramlich said...

Lisa, they gave up on me, I think.