Wednesday, September 10, 2008

To The Princess in the Olive-Green Volvo SUV

Dear Princess:

Clearly from our interactions on the highway this morning, I am not suited to share the road with your highness. However, because there might be other peasants who do not instantly recognize your royalty and may get in your way tomorrow, I wonder if you’d allow me to make a few humble suggestions and comments.

First, on-ramps onto the freeway are typically meant for one individual automobile at a time. In the future, instead of passing me on the on-ramp so that you can swing into the far lane before I’ve even merged, thus putting you fifty feet ahead of me, simply flick your headlights at me and I will instantly move over and allow you to proceed. After all, how dare I merge before you.

Second, strangely enough, despite your need for speed, when we got to the toll bridge some three miles later, you were precisely in front of me. Other peasants were in your way perhaps. Anyway, I’m sure you were far too busy with your high-level thoughts to read, but the line that says “toll-tag only” is actually meant for those who have toll-tags on their automobiles. There are several other lanes for those who will need to pay cash for their toll. Of course, despite my own toll-tag, I was happy to wait in line behind you while you searched through your purse for the three dollars. Other peasants might not be so patient, however, so perhaps you should get a personalized license plate that reveals your “royal blood.”

Third, I imagine you were putting your purse away, or some equally important task, as you got onto the Causeway, which would explain why you were driving slowly after leaving the toll booth. I am sincerely sorry that I attempted to pass you in the other lane, and I appreciate you cutting me off, forcing me to slam on my brakes as you finally selected “my” lane to drive in. It was thoughtless of me to attempt to drive the speed limit when you were going more slowly in front of me. You will note that I backed well off from your bumper after that event so that you could proceed unhampered by such dirt-grubbers as myself.

Fourth, what a glorious day it was to find that after driving 24 miles of the Causeway bridge, we arrived at the far end at almost precisely the same time. You may remember that you were in the left lane and I in the right. I am so sorry that I forgot my previous lesson and once more attempted to pass you. I was confused because your lane was moving more slowly than mine. How dare I take lane space better suited for your sweet little Volvo. My horn was only meant to indicate that I wanted out of your way before you took off my entire front end as you once more cut me off. I do appreciate you honking your own horn in acknowledgment.

And please have no doubt as to the intentions behind my lone fingered salute. It was only meant to indicate that you are indeed…Number 1.
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55 comments:

Wil said...

Yeah, but was she hot?

The Trailer Of Love

Lisa said...

Hey, I think you've been hanging around with Ello ;)

Greg Schwartz said...

i feel like i know this story by heart. there truly are some stupid people on the road.

X. Dell said...

Um, this olive-green Volvo SUV didn't happen to have Jersey plates on it, did it?

Ello said...

HA HA!!!! I think Princess has a twin sister that drives a Ford Explorer in Virginia, a twin brother that drives a mustang in DC and a whole lot of Jersey relatives!

Rachel said...

An embarrassment to all Volvo drivers (and Princesses) everywhere!

Erik Donald France said...

Ah, but did you get her license #?
If so, why not post it for all to kneel before?

Seems like a nightmare on wheels, to be sure. Glad you made it out alive.

Sidney said...

Nice treatment of the situation. It amazes me that with gas costing what it costs now that people still put the pedal down and act like assholes. I wonder what price it will have to reach before that stops? I guess there is no price cap on bad behavior for some folks.

the walking man said...

Uhh yes I have been intimately involved with other members of that royal family. They named a bread and meat affair after the Earl of Sandwich. Now you know where the term of "asshole" comes from.

Bernita said...

Lady Precious!

Charles Gramlich said...

Wil, because she had tinted windows, all I saw was a delicatley bangled hand as she handed the toll operator three dollars.

Lisa, Ello does it much better than I do.

Greg Schwartz, the amazing thing was having 4 different negative interactions with her all the way to work.

X-Dell, no, but they could have moved recently.

Ello, I suspect the royal family is big.

Rachel, indeed. It's a shame they have to share the road.

Erik, you know, I thought of that this morning but was so irritated that I didn't get it. I should have.

Sidney, I suspect she had plenty of money. Probably someone else's money, so she wasn't too worried.

Mark, I must admit to using some choice words to describe this...princess.

Bernita, I kept wondering how many mattresses she'd have to lie on before she was unable to feel the pea beneath the bottom one.

Michelle's Spell said...

Hey Charles,

Man, do I know this one! I got cut off by a car the other day with the vanity plate that said Faith. Dear Lord, save me from such crappy driving. :) (Perhaps this should be there opening prayer.)

Heff said...

I think we've ALL met her a time or two. Whattah Bitch !

laughingwolf said...

lol

"horn not working, watch for finger!" :P

cuzzins n nudder kin of hers up here, too... damnit!

Paul R. McNamee said...

I find more and more people who seem completely oblivious to their footprint on those around them.

Foot tapping the back of the seat at the movie theater, loud chatter, etc.

Or, folks like Princess who just drive like no one else is on the road with them.

*sigh*

Virginia Lady said...

Amazing how some people just have to be in front, no matter what. So glad your driving skill was such that she was unable to permanently do damage. Now you know to avoid those olive-green volvos in the future.

Middle Ditch said...

Hilarious. I'm glad you get them as well.

Bwa-ha-ha-ha ........

Of course at the time you must have been frustrated like hell.

lol

cs harris said...

You'd just better hope this isn't a regular commute for her!

Issa's Untidy Hut said...

Recently, because we live in the city (Pittsburgh), I was able to get rid of my lifelong jones, my car. Born, raised and taught automotive combat in New Jersey, my blood pressure went down, the weight came off and all was heavenly ...

... until I tried to step off the curb!

Royalty, it seems, will run anything over. No wonder the opposum is an endangered species. These folks are using cars for population control instead of putting whositts on (or in)their thingamabobs. I don't know whether to walk when it's green, yellow or red - they go all the time!

Another proud member of the Band of the One-Fingered Salute!

Don

Josephine Damian said...

Lisa: I too was thinking this was an Ello styled rant.

"And please have no doubt as to the intentions behind my lone fingered salute. It was only meant to indicate that you are indeed…Number 1."

If you were a NYer, you'd have kept her from passing you on the on ramp and flipped her off to boot.

Sounds like you have quite the commute to school.

BernardL said...

LMAO! I know you feel a little better now, Charles. :)

Charles Gramlich said...

Michelle, yes, the only thing that would have added to the experience is if she'd had a vanity plate.

Heff, she does seem to get around, judging by the complaints I hear about crappy drivers.

Laughingwolf, can we begin steralizing them at least?

Paul, I know, that's part of the reason I just don't go to movies at the theater anymore.

Virginia lady, defensive driving is a necessity these days.

Middle ditch, I was literally shaking with rage by the time it was all over.

Candy, that's what I'm worried about. She must live in our freaking neighborhood practically. Sigh.

Don, I used to have a bike. I got hit or pulled out in front of three times, ending up totallying all three bikes. I gave it up, even thoguh I loved riding. The people/idiots ruined it.

Josephine, I know. Lana is from New York originally and she scares me when I ride with her.

Bernardl, I'd feel best if I could set Nick on her.

L.A. Mitchell said...

The snark here just made my day. Thank you, peasant boy :)

writtenwyrdd said...

Lovely sarcasm, Charles. That was a nasty commute event indeed, but you turned it into some wonderful humor.

Christina said...

Honk, dude! However, in LA we let drivers get away with so much because everyone tries your patience.

Miladysa said...

Very witty.

With those manners I would doubt that she is related to moi.

I hesitate to suggest that the driver in question may have been some kind of government official perhaps?

CrazyCath said...

Beautiful. Just sweet.
You do satire so well.

Ever thought of taking up writing? ;0)

Lana Gramlich said...

You're a more noble person than I, Charles. I probably would've tailgated her all the way to wherever she was going to curse her out royally. But I'm a patient driver & selfless humanitarian that way... ;)

Shauna Roberts said...

Drivers seem to be getting more and more rude. Even here in supposedly laid-back Southern California, we see a lot of rudeness.

Scott Oden said...

That's why I drive a crappy car: it will hurt me far less to ram such royalty than it would hurt them. *evil grin*

Actually, I had this fake button-panel on the dash of my chevette, back when I had a chevette. It had buttons for machine guns, oil slicks, and surface-to-surface missiles. Drivers in Alabama being what they are, those buttons got quite a workout ;)

Barbara Martin said...

Did you get the license plate number and report her? Oh...hopefully the state police where you are have a greater sense of justice than the California Highway Patrol. I reported a transport truck driver who cut me off on the interstate near Sacramento (many years ago) and the officer had the gall to tell me, "Well, ma'am, if I didn't see it happen I can't do anything." He repeated the same thing to me when I said I had a witness. Maybe it was those Alberta plates with the big "F" in the corner that stumped him.

Charles Gramlich said...

L.A. Mitchell, glad you enjoyed ;)

Writtenwyrd, it was either that or slit my wrists.

Christina, plus aren't you more concerned that they might shoot you?

Miladysa, she didn't have an official license plate. Usually here any kind of government official will have a plate indicating this.

Crazycath, apparently you do satire well yourself. ;)

Lana, you drive like a New Yorker darling.

Shauna, it's our entitlement society perhaps.

Scott Oden, ahh, now that would have been fun.

Barbara martin, I didn't get the license plate. Didn't think about it. My experience with local police would be that they'd ignore me and probably just think I was weird.

Steve Malley said...

Great piece of satire, and a wonderful reminder of just how bloody lucky I am.

Kiwis may drive like this too; I don't know. My 'commute' is maybe ten minutes by bike...

Steve Malley said...

Y'ever think Princess may read your blog and think, "Yeah, the *nerve* of some people! *I'm* nothing like that..."

J. L. Krueger said...

Maybe she's really an Afghani!

Her driving technique is certainly familiar here. Then again, if we ship Princess and all her relations over here, the war would be over quicker!

Charles Gramlich said...

Steve Malley, I'm virtually sure that if the Princess read this blog she'd not recognize herself, although she might think. "Yeah, that's just like the guy in the silver car the other day who kept getting in my way.

J. L., or someone would already have shot her. Either way, problem solved.

writtenwyrdd said...

Sadly, Barbara Martin, cops really cannot write a ticket for someone on a citizen's say so. It would be thrown out of court 99% of the time. Just like you cannot file a police report on hearsay; the person who was the victim or who observes a crime has to do it. Part and parcel of our freedoms and rights.

Jack said...

Yes, Charles, thank you for writing this. I've run into so many situations like this. I've wanted to write about it, but couldn't quite put it together as well as you did.

Barrie said...

Here's a wild thought. What if the Princess is a blogger, has your blog on google reader, reads this post, and responds with an apology? Okay, I did say wild thought!

Charles Gramlich said...

Writtenwyrd, I can understand that, considering that a lot of people file false police reports.

Jack, I think we've all me this woman. Or a man just like her.

Barrie, that would be nice but I'm guessing if she read it she'd never recognize herself.

Kate S said...

Oh, Charles, really all you had to say was SUV driver. I would have inferred all the rest.

Lana Gramlich said...

It's probably worse than that, Charles...I drive like a Torontonian. <:P

Miladysa said...

Really? That is a real surprise to me. Here they would not draw attention to the fact :-D

laughingwolf said...

hope so, charles :(

Charles Gramlich said...

Kate, lol. Hey, good to see you around.

Lana, be afraid, be very afraid.

Miladysa, hum, I'm sure there are government folks who drive vehichles without that kind of licensing, but I believe most do have it.

Laughingwolf, indeed.

Vwriter said...

I'm shocked to hear that my ex-wife is in Louisiana.

Merelyme said...

lol...this is great...too bad she will never see your prose.

Anndi said...

Too bad it wasn't "National Beheading Day" for little miss Marie Antoinette.

Donnetta Lee said...

Charles: How did she get from your place to Oklahoma so quickly? I swear, I saw her just yesterday. Amazing.
Donnetta

Charles Gramlich said...

Vwriter, you poor dear thing.

Merelyme, yes, sigh. I wish I could send it to her.

Anndi, I definitely flashed back to those days. If I'd only had a guillotine.

Donnetta, brought there by a noble hero on a fine white charger no doubt.

Leon said...

I see that she lives in your part of the country too! I swear she's the one who kept cutting me off on the freeway here in the Losw Angeles area on Wednesday! :~D

Travis said...

I suspect Her Majesty has several doppelgangers across the nation.

Travis Erwin said...

Thanks for the laugh. I've been there.

Sarah Hina said...

I haven't laughed so much at a post since one of Ello's awhile back.

And that's the highest compliment I can possibly pay. ;)

Charles Gramlich said...

Leon, Travis, Travis and Sarah, glad you liked it. It made me feel better to laugh at it than to cry.