Saturday, January 13, 2007

How I Discovered That Farts Stink




I mentioned the other day that I can't smell, and so one may wonder how I discovered that there actually is such a thing as smell. Below is the story of how I found out.

It was blizzard-cold that day, with snow and sleet whirling across the fields and through the trees like icy confetti. I can't remember why I was in the pickup with my two brothers, but, being the youngest, I had to sit in the middle with the gear shift between my knees. The outside temperature was within a fingernail of zero.

Then I had a small release of gas, the silent but deadly kind some folks claim. I knew my brothers couldn't have heard it, but within a minute both started gagging and hastily cranked (Yes, cranked in those days) their windows down to douse their heads in the frozen wind outside. One brother muttered something about, "crawled in there and died." The other just gulped at the thick, cold air. Each gave me a glare that could have stripped lead based paint off a wall.

I remember the feeling that came over me then. It had little to do with finally understanding that “smell” was real. No! I was thinking of the times my big brothers had lorded it over me, of how they always stuck me with the dirtiest jobs on the farm and how once they’d hung me upside down in a feed barrel. Now the worm had turned. Now I had the power. And I was gonna use it.

5 comments:

Jack said...

With great power comes great...smell. That's a funny story. How about an anthology of fart stories? I can smell it now.

Clifford said...

Beautiful story, man. Does your inability to smell affect the taste of food? Knowing when your sweat has turned to stink? Sex? Okay, I'm getting to personal now!

Ironically, I was at the movies, watching Blazing Saddles (remember the farting toddler?), when I learned to laugh. Or rather, realized that I would be ostrasized if I didn't. But that's a story for another day...

Charles Gramlich said...

It probably effects my taste sensitivities but I don't actually know. I can taste the big four, sweet, sour, bitter, salty, but probably am not sensitive to small things. I know there are a lot of foods that taste very bland to me naturally. As for stink and sweat, I have my girlfriend smell me, and naturally that leads to the last item on your question list.

Charles Gramlich said...

Jack, I've considered such an anthology. I really have. But I wonder how it would be marketed? I mean, what genre does it fall under.

Clifford said...

As for your sweaty predicament, all I can say is "smooth".