Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Cowboy and Lady

Seems like quite a few folks have been posting plays lately so here is my entry. I call it: How a Cowboy Picks up a Lady: A Play.

Cowboy: *Strides up to a lovely gal a sittin’ at the bar sipping a Michelob. He hesitates when he sees the fancy beer she is drinking but finds her just too beayootiful in her white and black cowgirl skirt and her red satiny shirt with the shiny diamond shaped mother-of-pearl buttons. He decides to try his best line:*

“Why yo is jes as hot as a ten dollar pistol sittin’ there, Baby. What say we blow this gin joint and do us a little moonlit two steppin?”

Lady: *Is taken aback at his manly appearance and the very large hat he wears, but is impressed with his courtly manners. And with the spurs a jingling on his bootheels.*

“I would love to, “ she coos, eyelashes all a twitter.

Cowboy: *Sweeps her off her white booted feet, and carries her out to his ‘pick up,’ tucking her into the passenger seat where the smell of cedar from his tree odor thingie is brisk and cool as a mint julep in July. Climbs up the steps into the other side and starts the truck up with a roar.*

"LET'S TAKE A RIDE OUT TO WHERE THEY WATCH THE SUBMARINE RACES," he shouts over the booming growl of the big diesel engine on his Dodge RAM pickemup.

Lady: “Cedar. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.” *Smiles purdy*

Cowboy: *Kicks the big V-16 in low gear and goes a squalling out of the parking lot on to the black top, crushing discarded beer cans and furrin imports alike. Hits cruising speed about 85 and sets back against the cushioned captain's seat, dropping a big hairy hand to the lady’s dainty lil knee under her cowgirl skirt.*

Lady: *Drops her own dainty lil hand to just above his knee, then scootches closer, purring.*

Cowboy: *Swallows his chaw. gulps, recovers.*

"Why lordy be, missy, I sure am a glad you ain't skittish as some of these here city gals one meets at them there disco places. Last lil gal I gave a ride too done plastered my poor achin head with wimin's libber rights nonsense." *Peers at her.* "You ain't no wimin's libber is ya?"

Lady: *Peers back.* "Not at the moment, no."

Cowboy: *Licks his lips, quickly pushes in a tape that plays Hank Williams cause he knows how sexy wimin gets to feelin’ alistenin to old Hank sing. He slides his arm across the back of the seat and lets his hand touch the length of her big hairdo, lightly tangling his fingers through her hair-sprayed, steel-link tresses.*

“Now you jes lean on back against the naughahyde seats, lil lady and let ole Charlie Bob do the drivin’”

Lady: “Yo’re the man, Lover.”

Cowboy: *He listens to purring, both of the engine and the lady, and he knows he has done it just right.*

“Gonna get lucky tonight, ole cuss,” he murmurs softly to himself. “Gonna get lucky tonight.”

NOTE: No cowboys or ladies were harmed in the making of this play.

38 comments:

Michelle's Spell said...

That last line made me laugh, Charles. Great happy play for a rare sunny day in Detroit!

Rachel said...

I been in LA too long! I kept waiting for the *Lady* to turn into a guy in drag... ;-P

Shauna Roberts said...

I had the same expectation as Rachel!

My favorite part: "his tree odor thingee."

Miladysa said...

My particular favourites:

""What say we blow this gin joint and do us a little moonlit two steppin?”"

"smell of cedar from his tree odor thingie is brisk and cool as a mint julep in July."

Gave an English gel a little taste of the real West Charles :-D

Must admit thought, I had thought that the punchline would be that his passenger was a transvestite...

Miladysa said...

Just seen Rachel's comment - didn't mean to steal it!

Steve Malley said...

I was waiting for the Warkind to show....

Wil said...

Cowboy And Lady? I think I've got this album somewhere.

writtenwyrdd said...

OMG twittering eyelashes! Still laughing. I would, of course, have fallen for such a swuave and deeeboner line...

And I, too, was waiting for the lady to be a man.

Lisa said...

*clapping* I'm with the group. I thought the cowgal might be a feller too -- or maybe a werewolf ;)

laughingwolf said...

eeeeehawwwwwwwwwwww

i wur suspectin' a tranny, too ;) lol

but that was just "ACT I" as they say

ivan said...

Thunderation!

My version would probably be the cowboy asking the lady the direct quetion. "Do you?"

Lady: "Not until I met you, you smooth talking bastard."

Charles Gramlich said...

Michelle, glad you've got some sun. Have a good one.

Rachel, I've heard L.O.L.A Lola too many times for that. Although I have done such a tale once upon a time.

Shauna, naw, couldn't do that, but it is only act 1.

Miladysa, now I'm glad I didn't do the tranny thing considering all the expectations. But yeah, that IS really how the west is. ;)

Steve Malley, now that's one I didn't think of but should have.

Wil, maybe you're thinking of "If I were carpenter and you were a lady."

Writtenwyrd, I did like "twittering eyelashes" myself.

Lisa, you folks are seriously twisted.

Laughingwolf, you've got the sound down just right.

Ivan, well "Cowboy" has got some class now.

SQT said...

Courtly manners....Lol

Greg Schwartz said...

that "tree odor thingee" line was hysterical!

Erik Donald France said...

Just right. Evil!

ChrisEldin said...

Oh, that is fun, fun, fun!!!!

Love everything here! You have the lingo, the atmosphere...everything! LOL about wimmins libber. That is too funny!!!

the walking man said...

1) downsize the diesel engine. 16 cylinders is almost the size of a locomotive engine. There'd be no room fer her to slip over.

2) ha ha hahaha aha ahaha aha ha ha ha ah h ahh ah stop it yer killin' me! ha ha h ahhha hha ha ha ha ha haha

3) now I have to change you made me piss myself ha ha ha ha ha hahaha h ah a ha ha h a haaaaa


Peace

Sam said...

Yee Haw! too funny! Loved it!!!!

Favorite line, as it puts the purty woman into sudden perspective:

"...lightly tangling his fingers through her hair-sprayed, steel-link tresses.*"

Bernita said...

Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!
I notice he never bothered with her name...

laughingwolf said...

since i got a plastic lens, made in ft.worth, tx, permanently put in my eye, my texas pals say i'll always be part texan now, and allowed to kai-yai with the best of em! ;) lol

Further on up the road said...

To quote the Kinks

"well I'm not world's most fashionable guy"....

"my Lola".... etc.

I was there with the tranny expectant brigade

Josephine Damian said...

Alert the media! It's official!

Stuart Neville, my Prince of Darkness, and the writer formerly known as "Conduit," has landed an agent - and not just any agent - but literary powerhouse and legend, Nat Sobel.

His agency, Sobel Weber Associates, New York, represents a few scribes you might have heard of: James Ellroy (L.A. Confidential, The Black Dahlia, American Tabloid), Joseph Wambaugh (The Choirboys, The Onion Field, Hollywood Station), Pulitzer winner Richard Russo (Nobody's Fool, Empire Falls, Bridge of Sighs), F.X. Toole (Rope Burns - adapted for the screen as the multi Oscar winning Million Dollar Baby - and Pound for Pound), Robert Jordan (the Wheel of Time series), Tim Dorsey (the Serge Storms series), and many more.

Oh, Nat also loves him some cats. My kind of guy.

And how did Stuart get on the Uber agent’s radar? I’m going to steal a bit of Stuart’s thunder and reveal to my blog peeps that Mr. Sobel scouted him on the Internet. That’s right – a big name agent was scouring the online crime magazines and plucked our man from obscurity. (of course I’ve been singing Stuart’s praises loud and clear since last fall when I first read his work in Agent Nathan’s Bransford’s writing contest). To those of you that don’t believe agents are poking around the world wide web looking for The Next Big Thing – here’s your proof. Here. Is. Your. Proof.

So do stop by and give a big shout out to the literary world’s best and brightest rising star!

http://conduitnovel.blogspot.com/

*shake my booty*

Having already read Stuarts’s manuscript (it already holds the distinction of being only one of four books I liked well enough to finish this year) GHOSTS OF BELFAST, I can tell you it’s nothing by clover ahead for this blessed son of Northern Ireland.

Demon Hunter said...

Too funny. You do well with writing those accents out, Charles. That's not an easy thing to accomplish. :*)

Charles Gramlich said...

Sqt, well we have different ideas of courtly manners down hereya.

Greg, necessity is the mother of invention. I couldn't remember what it was called.

Erik, yeahaww.

Chriseldin, those libbers is trouble makers fer sure. I don't think I could ever do anything other than a southern accent.

Mark, everything's big in Texas man. Besides, this makes the lady sit right over the engine and warms her up.

Sam, gotta make sure a tornado doesn't stir a hair.

Bernita, what's in a name?

Laughingwolf, being Texan is an honorable thing. I've been visiting Texas so regularly over the years I get cut a little slack myself.

Further on up the Road, well this one may be more man than ole Charlie Bob can handle without the junk attached. Thanks for stopping by.

Josephine Damian, that's cool news. I'll stop by for sure.

Demon Hunter, thanks. Yes, it's kind of hard to do right.

Ello said...

I was trying to say it out loud and it is even funnier when you do! Great job Charles! I too thought you were going to reveal a tranny. But what a hoot!

Britta Coleman said...

Laughed out loud at "tree odor thingie" and "furrin imports."

I suspected tranny, too. As for songs, there's not only LOLA, but Tone Loc's Funky Cold Medina.

Perhaps it's time for a country hit about "I know what I am and what I am is a man and so is..."

Heff said...

How's he a-gonna git lucky ?!? Is he goin' ta tha gamblin' house later ? Heff confused...

Monique said...

Great use of language. Love it. Made me laugh but like miladysa I thought exactly the same.

Charles Gramlich said...

Ello, seems to me the audience is demanding a tranny. What a bunch of sick folks visit this blog. ;)

Britta, yeah, Funky Cold medina is a good one. I'm going to get started on that country song right now.

Heff, I read the story about your wife bringing you beer on the porch so I'm not buying your dumb-hick act, my friend.

Monique, thankee. The cross dresser seems to be the expectation of the moment.

Lana Gramlich said...

Sounds like our first date. ;) *LOL*

Avery DeBow said...

You're an odd duck.

X. Dell said...

Actually, this reminds me of so many songs of the 1970s, but little of Hank Williams Sr. (or Jr., for that matter).

There's a lot of humor derived from the fact that neither of them have very high standards. Then again, there is an ironic sweetness to their compatibility.

BTW, that last line made me burst out laughing.

Heff said...

LMAO !!

Charles Gramlich said...

Lana, you know it, lil lady.

Avery, You're "just" coming to that realization? hummmn

X-dell, yes this is a match made in honky tonk heaven.

Heff, "dude."

writtenwyrdd said...

I remember a line, don't remember from where or if it was written or movie, but it was something along the lines of a man 'throwing his leg over a filly.' I think not asking her name goes with that sort of outlook!

Travis said...

This is even better when you read it out loud.

Nicely done!

Charles Gramlich said...

Writtenwyrd, I think I've heard that line too but I don't remember where either.

Travis, yes, it's made to be performed. lol.

Danette Haworth said...

Bravo, Charles! Bravo! The rhythm of the dialogue was right on.