An examination of an ancient manuscript dating all the way back to 1989 has revealed that Sidney Williams, mildly mannered writer by day, is, in fact, the illegitmate son of Satan, conceived during a single night of passion with Yeoman Rand. (Those of you who do not recognize the name of Yeoman Rand are probably either too young for this blog, or insufficiently nerdy). The manuscipt in question is a tome simply called Azarius, which is clearly the name of some sort of demon, and is believed, by this insipid correspondent, to be Williams' name in Hell. A perusal of this "book of evil" easily reveals Williams' parentage. The numbers on the back of the book show three and only three "fives," one less at all points than the 666 of the devil. Furthermore, the book begins with the single line "I'm going to kill a priest," warning enough perhaps of the evil within. And finally, I was rather easily able to find words, rearrange words, or alter words in the actual text to produce such phrases as "father lies," "Satan dad," "mother Rand," and "evil sex."
This is a public service announcement.
This just in: It’s official. Noted Tablet Writer, Clifford, has married his cat. Clifford says that “Cougar…” “is a new breed of cat.” Heh heh heh, if you know what I mean. Pictures of the secret ceremony were taken by Basil Ratbane, who despite his apparent antipathy to this blog, viz a viz his posts, is--in fact--one of my field paparazzi. One of Ratbane's pictures of the Clifford marriage can be found here. This blog will soon carry exclusive photos of the Siberian Honeymoon.
I once had a conversation with Raymond Benson, who then was writing the Bond novels and begged him to write me into one of the books as a villian. I would have killed to have read the passage:
ReplyDelete"Mr. Sternberg turned and waved off the two thugs. Retreating, the men glared, but kept their hands close to their weapons.
"'I'm afraid our association must end, Mr. Bond. I have work to do and you..you have dying to do. So...Goodbye, Mr. Bond.'"
Oh well...but although Mr.Benson failed to consider that wish, I can still make that same appeal to Mr. Sallee, Mr.Gramlich, and Mr.Williams. I want to be someone's villian..some incarnation fo evil. I will never be able to say "Goodbye, Mr. Bond," but maybe something devilishly cruel and horrifying.
Now where's that scourge. Ah..here it is.
I'm sorry, I forgot to comment on Sidney. My question is, as Satan's son, does that entitle Sid to any of Satan's legacy? Will he have some of Satan's skills?or Skillz? What about sex? Is there any sort of advantage there, and no jokes about pitchforks.
ReplyDeleteI shall endevour to make you a villain in an upcoming...uhm something.
ReplyDeleteWow, if Yeoman Rand is my mother, that may raise some serious Oedipus complex issues.
ReplyDeleteI am afraid of Satan and his ilk, so won't comment on Sidney Williams discovery, except to say thanks for the warning. I will give him a wide berth or, if cornered, treat him with deepest respect.
ReplyDeleteRe Clifford-cat marriage, how intelligent of Clifford. Cats hold the secrets of the universe. Mankind may endure, but Catkind will prevail.
Plus, Clifford's cat is especially cool, even for a cat.
My photography is celebrated throughout the known universe, so I suppose it would find itself referenced in this inglorious blog.
ReplyDeleteMany are the travails of being as famous and wise as I.
Basil S. Ratbane, Imperator